... from the Washington scene, predictions and surprises ...
The election had its high moments, and its low moments. Its predictions and its surprises. In Washington, two men with their chins on the floor looked up a moment to see each other and weep.
"I'm so sorry, Newt!" cried one.
"I'm sorry for myself, but for you too, Ken. What a blow!"
They helped each other up, and reached for their drinks, bravely fighting back their sobs.
"How could this happen," said Newt, "when I've been fighting tooth and nail for my side, and that joker from Arkansas is still standing up tall while I'm knocked onto the floor?"
Ken Starr shook his head ruefully. "How do you think I feel? Just look at my hands - " Ken held out his hands, black muck dripping from his fingers, fingernails thick with dirt. "I can't get them clean, and the American people don't even care about all the dirty work I've had to do!"
Newt sat back a little. "Ghastly. Ghastly! To think Chuck Schumer shoved my dear friend Al D'Amato to oblivion - and he fought a really mean, tough, no-holds barred campaign!"
"No, D'Amato! He was at his worst, and still lost! What's the matter with the American people?"
Ken Starr patted Newt's shoulder. "There, there, now - "
"Ouch! Don't touch my shoulder!" Newt cried out, wincing in pain.
"What's the matter - did you have a fall?"
"I'll say - but that's not it." Newt pulled his shirt to the side to reveal lash marks on his shoulder.
Ken Starr recoiled. "Good gracious! Those nasty Democrats!"
"No," Newt shook his head, "my fellow Republicans!"
"Lord love a duck, no! How could they?"
"Greed. Lust. Zeal for power. Envy. A bunch of fair weather friends, the whole lot of them! I'm not going to take it any more - come January, I'm outta here! They won't have old Newt to kick around anymore!"
"Well said - that has a nice ring to it! And I don't blame you one bit! I almost feel like giving it all up too, when I see how little the American people care about my life's most important work."
"Stupid immoral citizens! Perhaps you should look around for somebody else to investigate, Ken, somebody the people wouldn't be so protective Of."
Ken scowled. "When I heard those terrible tales about Thomas Jefferson, I thought my prosecutorial prowess would be appreciated at Monticello."
"Of course," Newt said. "It's a natural for you, Ken - it could keep you going for another 20 years!"
Ken Starr shook his head, wiped away a tear. "They wouldn't let me in. Said my hands were too dirty."
Newt sighed. "I know how you feel. Sometimes even saints like you and me aren't appreciated."
Crying softly, their heads sank to the floor once more.
Jackie Wattenberg is a Free Press
columnist and a Melrose resident. This
article first appeared in the Free Press.