Random Thoughts

Fonetic spelling

 ... that's rite, fonetic spelling

by Russ Priestley

Hold the blue pencil or your delete key ... no proofreading is needed. I'm going to settle this thing once and for all. I am a self-proclaimed foneticist and I know what I'm spelling about. Maybe some local oldtimers will recall the slogan of Raymond's department store, "Where u bot the hat." I think they went out of business because people stopped wearing hats, not realizing the store was such a huge help to people who could not spell. I'm offering here a new set of rules so that any dewd can spell fonetically. In this day and age where spelling has become a lost art and nobody gives a dam because who wants a dam anyway, even for free. They always burst when needed most, so nobody wants a dam, even if it's a given dam. (Don't confuse this with Rotterdam which used to be in Holland and at last report is still there, altho with a name like that it could have been renamed ... but under no circumstances given away. Who'd want it)?

In our first lesson we will take the aught and ought families. From now on they will be known as bot, brot, cot, fot, hoty, not, noty, ot, sot, tot, thot and wrot. In our last example here, the w is necessary so that there is no confusion with rot. Notice how much space and ink I've saved by just removing the "ugh"s. That's the way it ot to be. We don't need all those "ugh"s which are entirely unused. Add these savings to all of those in the title and the summary line. And include telefone, cell fone, maybe even grandma's gramafone. Those have been so foney! Which reminds me of our British friends who try to screw up our language with words like "criticise." It is a small criticism but we spell it "criticize." Further, they ride in lifts, we use elevators. I guess neither group has, in their wildest imaginations, considered these contraptions also go down. One of our groups must also use downers, uplifts/downlifts, or descenders. If not, we're going to have far too many whatevers at the top of buildings because the people have forgotten the command for downers.

More research reveals a word of French, namely lieux and pronounced loo. The British stole it, but not the spelling, thus it means the same in either language. I propose we replace rest room, powder room, ladies' room and gentlemen's room with loo. This way, if one has to go, it is off to the loo. If accepted, we've found a way in which three diverse nations agree. Now that is progress! A word of caution ... remember to check the silhouette emblem on the door before entering. I can't stand screaming females or even the overly enthusiastic welcoming persons sometimes encountered in the men's loo. I will ignore further differences with the British in order to get on with my campain. (Proof readers: of course the g is missing. Get with my program)! (Or maybe you didn't notice).

In our second lesson we'll deal with the ough family. This is more complex than it appears. In order, we'll cite altho, bow, coff, doh, enuf, ruff, tho, thoro, thru and tuff. You'll note it is not as simple as the ought family, but just remember this very simple sentence, "Altho I bow to coff, I had doh enuf. My cold was ruff, tho treated thoroly thru and tuff. Easy enuf, rite? And one may say our language is no longer "ughly."  

I don't wish to give you too much to digest in your first xpozuh to this revolushunary idea, but I am offering one more space and time saver. Since the frase has become so overused, I propoz that "You know" be spelled "uno." It won't make any difference in the monotony of spoken words, but just imagine the savings we'll get in printing quotes, from athletes, for xampul. Ureeka!

March 5, 2004  

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