... we were told by our writers that they thunk and they thunk, but couldn't
come up with a joke ... except from Kay
...wait a minute..another one just came in
Jokes -- this one supplied by Editor/publisher Kay McCarte: "Forrest Gump
goes to heaven."
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. He is at the
Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and
Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a
lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast,and we
have been administering an entrance examination of everyone. The test is
short, but you have to pass it before you can get into heaven.
Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever
told me about any extrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.
was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?
Forest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees
St. Peter who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to
think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest replied, "Well, the first one - which two days in the week begin with
the letter "T?" Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."
St. Peter's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I
was thinking but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will
give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asked St Peter.
"How many seconds in a year?" "Now that one is harder, replied Forrest, "but
I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.
Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Forrest how in Heaven's name could you
come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got
to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd..."
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see
your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind...but I will have to
give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final
"Can you tell me God's first name?"
"Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy."
"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can
understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions,
but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first
name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the
"Andy walks with me,
Andy talks with me,
Andy tells me I am his own."
And the second joke is....
Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that
has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper,
I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a
graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the
service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As
I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and , being a typical man, I
didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and
the hearse was nowhere in sight, There were only the diggers and crew left
and they were eating their lunch. I felt bad and apologized for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already
in place. I didn't know what to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played
out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like
I've never played before for this homeless man.
As I played "Amazing Grace" the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept,
we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started
for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen
anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty
Apparently, I'm still lost...it's a man thing.
Editor's note to our readers: Try it, if you can. We'd like to hear your
contibutions to our new Monthly Joke Contest. Email 'em to "Melrose Mirror,
September 4, 2015