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... this should just about finish off these sayings

by Betty Rossi

Ban pre-shredded cheese. Make America grate again.

Why do you have to put your two cents in, but it's only a penny for your thoughts. Where does the other penny go?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

I discovered that I scream the same way whether I'm about to be eaten by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

You know that you are broker than hell when your bologna doesn't have a first name.

Dear Alcohol...we had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter and a better dancer. I saw the video. We need to talk.

Don't expect a "God Bless You" after the fifth sneeze. Get it under control.

Hope = Hold On Pain Ends

There is no angry way to say "Bubbles".

I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.

I don't think the police should wear mirrored sun glasses. The whole time he was chewing me out for speeding, all I could think was.. "I should cut my bangs".

When I was young, I believed people who told me I could be anything I wanted. So I thought I could grow up and be a cat. Becky McGouan Reader's Digest

"Vegetarian" is an old Indian word for "Bad Hunter".

Veni, Vedi, Visa. I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.

Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, A gift to that person. A beautiful thing. Mother Teresa

"Breaking Bread" should not mean you have to use the side of the table.

One way to find out if you are old is to fall down in front of a lot of people. If they laugh, you are still young. If they panic and start running over to you, you're old.

I don't even believe myself when I say I'll be ready in five minutes.

I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented...I forgot where I was going with this.

Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it's one monk's first chance. He thinks long and hard before telling the head monk, "Food bad". Ten years later, it's his turn to speak again. This time he says, "Bed hard". A decade later, it's the big day again. The man gives the head monk a long stare and says, "I quit". "Well, I'm not surprised", the head monk says, "You've been complaining ever since you got here".  Reader's Digest submitted by Ronald Ketchie

My Mom voice was so loud, even my neighbors brushed their teeth and cleaned their rooms.

As seen on a tombstone. "Here lies Lester Moore. Four slugs from a 44. No Less. No more."

We all know that mirrors don't lie. I'm just glad that they don't laugh.

It has been said, "Time heals all wounds". I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting it's sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it is never gone. Rose Kennedy

At my age, rolling out of bed in the morning is easy. Getting up off of the floor is a whole other story.

"I before E" except when you run a feisty heist on a weird, beige, foreign neighbor.

If one door closes and another door opens, your house is probably haunted.

I don't think we get smarter as we get older. I think that we just run out of stupid things to do.

Now I understand why Peter Pan didn't want to grow up.

Four corners around my bed. Four angels around my head. One to watch, two to pray and one to scare bad things away.

Don't follow my footsteps. I run into walls.

I chose the road less traveled. Now, where the hell am I?

I'm one of those people who laugh at a joke three times. Once when it's told to me. Once when it's explained to me and once, five minutes  later when I finally understand it.

I will teach you Italian.  Raise your right hand. You will have to twist it from palm to back of hand facing you. Then repeat after me..Paisano, Bacciagaloop, Ciao, Mannaggia, Meengya, Agita, Skeevats, Googootz, Facia-Bruta, Schifosa, Moshada Stounard, Mezzo-Morto, Fanaboola, Disgraziata, Schadrole, most of which are probably all of the swear words you'll ever need.

If it's the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail. O.K. So my halo slips now and then. Get over it.

Based on the amount of laundry that I do each week, I am going to assume that there are people who live here that I have not met yet.

Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throw away anything ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican Drug Lord.

I ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons and tomatoes.  Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce and cheese. Fine. It was pizza. I ate a pizza.

La vie est belle ....Life is beautiful!




June 2, 2017


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