... I am so thrilled that I've found these
I found a lot of these in my old, old notebooks, but some are brand new and lots of fun.
There are so many people out there who will tell you that you can't. What you've got to
do is turn around and say "Watch me!"
Always do right. It will gratify some and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
So there's this boy. He kinda stole my heart. He calls me Mom.
You know that little thing in your head that keeps you from saying things that you
shouldn't? Yeah, I don't have one of those.
The smell of freshly baking bread is wonderful.
I just put $10 into my gas tank and I swear my car giggled.
When someone told me that I lived in a fantasy world, I nearly fell off of my unicorn.
I wonder if my dog named me.
It's amazing how much Extra Fries and Exercise sound alike.
I sent that ancestry site some information on my family tree. They sent me back a
package of seeds and suggested that I just start over.
I'm really watching what I eat. I don't think I'd get the fork near my mouth if my eyes
Sometimes life just sucks the jelly out of your donut.
Don't get your tinsel in a tangle.
I hope the word "berserk" appears at least once in my obituary.
I prefer my puns intended.
Did you know "DIET" stands for "Did I Eat That"?
Life is too short to be serious all the time. So, if you can't laugh at yourself, call
me...I'll laugh at you.
Adulthood is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I got a job in a bakery because I knead the dough.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went...then it dawned on me.
Don't preach to me and I won't cast a spell on you!
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday lying in a hospital dying of nothing.
17 minutes into my diet. I can't live like this!
That moment when you miss one step on the stairs and you think you are about to die.
When life gives you a dilemma, make de-lema-nade.
Give up carbs? Over my bread body.
Exercise? I thought you said, "Extra fries".
The more you talk, the more I wish I was deaf.
Started to go to the gym this morning. Couldn't find my membership card. A new one cost
$10.00. Two donuts and a coffee were $3.00. Guess what? I saved $7.00.
If you lost your appetite today, I think I have it.
I wish I could say, "??????" in real life. It would be very useful.
It's not that difficult to tell alligators and crocodiles apart. One will see you later,
the other will see you in a while.
Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and snickers.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M & M's, because,
let's be honest here.
When I sit here and whisper I miss you, I believe you can still hear me.
I danced like no one was watching, but someone was watching, thought I was having a
seizure and called an ambulance.
So, I was at a restaurant the other night and the waitress screamed..."Anyone know CPR?"
I said. "Heck, I know the entire alphabet!" Everyone laughed and laughed...well,
everyone except one guy.
From Genesis. Short reading from the Bible. "...and God promised men that good and
obedient wives would be found in all corners of the Earth." Then He made the Earth
round..and He laughed and laughed and laughed.
A rose can say "I Love You", Orchids can enthrall. But a weed bouquet in a grandchild's
hand, yes, that says it all.
Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at that dog with
one eye!" The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"
On the darkest days when I feel inadequate, unloved and unworthy, I remember whose
daughter I am and I adjust my crown.
July 7, 2017